It's not what I want to be.
Obviously it's not that I don't want to read--if I didn't like reading, I would have gotten nowhere near this program, nor would I have been an English major in the first place. But going into the field of "literary criticism," which is what you're doing when you get a PhD in English, is learning to read certain ways. Then you write about that reading in certain ways. And then you go to conferences and talk about that writing about that reading in a certain way. And you expect others to respond to you talking and writing about that reading in certain ways. And then you teach the rising generation how to read certain ways and then write about their reading in certain ways. And yes, the field is replete with arguments over what Reading even Is or Does or Should Be--but nowadays you wouldn't use caps, because Absolute Assertions Are Wrong (ding!)--and theories about different ways of reading. But come on, guys. All the formulations of different readings are formulated the same way, because everyone's thought themselves into a pretty closed system which, if it doesn't Really Speak to You or starts to just make you Tired, you should probably quietly slip out of by the side door. (Or maybe just walk, or maybe even saunter, skip, or bolt, and maybe even go by the front door--the one that used to be flanked by big stone lions that are being replaced by sculptures in a postpostpostmodern style, not a style at all really, but the theory behind them is really cool and says a lot about our generation) because you don't really care who sees you leaving.
This is probably part insecurity; I listen to the students around me in class and how well and easily they engage with ridiculously obtuse material (and can throw out words like "obtuse" without having to wonder if they've chosen the right word--well, ok, maybe "obtuse" isn't a good example, since Harry uses "obtuse," but you see my point), and I'm jealous of their ability to digest long and obscure theoretical-philosophical tracts. It's not something I'm good at. But then maybe I could do it if I worked harder. But then I'd have to put in that time and effort when I really don't care that I can't offhandedly produce and discuss points from all 18 books of ethical theory that we've read this semester.
It's just not my thing.
The field was fun when I was an undergrad, when things were pre-professional. Now, however, I find myself consuming all this literature and criticism only to produce pieces of writing that are utterly uninspired--because that's what I am. I want to create something. I want to write. And I don't want to be stuck with the pressure of reading like a professional. I want to read just because I want to read, and I want to read like a writer. I want to be someone who makes.
No, this is not me announcing that I'm dropping out of the program. This is just me, after yet another class to which I contributed nothing, putting into writing the fact that this is simply not what I'm going to do with the rest of my life.
There are things I can do so much better.
...and I'll post a cute picture of Harry later tonight to make up for all this serious stuff. :)
Sometimes it's good to write down these thoughts. (Your whole post is pretty much the main reason why I never considered going into English literature, by the way. >.> )
ReplyDeleteI really do want you to be a creator, because you are clever and imaginative and willing to say that there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be entertained by our reading and that it's okay to just stop at that level.
I'm cheering you on for this next year and the creative part of you.